Dear Phillip;
I had another birthday today.
I so clearly remember celebrating my birthday very pregnant with you, 29 years ago; just a couple weeks before you were born. It doesn't make sense for me to have birthdays - for me to get a year older - and for you to never see another birthday. If only I could give you my birthdays. It would make me so happy if I could.
I wore the pearls you gave me for my 50th birthday today. I put them on and cried and cried. You gave me so many gifts over the years, but the best birthday present I ever had was you.
When I blew out the candles on my past two birthdays I wished that I could hear from you; that you could tell me you were happy. That was really all I wanted. This year I gave my birthday wish to Brian and Heather; I wished them a long and happy marriage. I guess that's part of the healing process; to think more about the living.
Still.... I would give every last birthday I have coming to you if I could. They aren't the same without you.
I love you and miss you so much.
Your year-older Mom
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Time warp
Dear Phillip;
So... now it's been over two years since you left us. No, that can't be right, not two years. 2 months? 2 weeks? 2 days? It's hard to tell, because I've lost all sense of the passage of time since you died.
I think I have finally figured it out. It's like an old Star Trek episode, where the character is in the transporter but in the middle of the transport is split between two different spaces in time. One version of the person is trapped in a different space time continuum, and the other part moves forward with the other people. That's how I feel. When you died - at that cataclysmic moment when the earth was torn in two - my soul was split into two parts. One part is back in 2011 with you. The other part is traveling through time with the people around me. It's very odd. It's like I am simultaneously in two places in time. For part of me it was just last week when I was feeding you those shrimp you love. (Not loved in the past tense - because it isn't in the past.) Yes, I still tend to speak of you in the present tense. That's the part of me that is still with you. I expect this will get even stranger as more time passes in this continuum.
Maybe it's not so fictitious after all. People who write about life after death believe there will be no fourth dimension of time as we experience it. Perhaps that's what I'm experiencing now. The transcendence of love over space and time.
I know my soul won't be whole again until the two parts of it are reunited with you.
So... now it's been over two years since you left us. No, that can't be right, not two years. 2 months? 2 weeks? 2 days? It's hard to tell, because I've lost all sense of the passage of time since you died.
I think I have finally figured it out. It's like an old Star Trek episode, where the character is in the transporter but in the middle of the transport is split between two different spaces in time. One version of the person is trapped in a different space time continuum, and the other part moves forward with the other people. That's how I feel. When you died - at that cataclysmic moment when the earth was torn in two - my soul was split into two parts. One part is back in 2011 with you. The other part is traveling through time with the people around me. It's very odd. It's like I am simultaneously in two places in time. For part of me it was just last week when I was feeding you those shrimp you love. (Not loved in the past tense - because it isn't in the past.) Yes, I still tend to speak of you in the present tense. That's the part of me that is still with you. I expect this will get even stranger as more time passes in this continuum.
Maybe it's not so fictitious after all. People who write about life after death believe there will be no fourth dimension of time as we experience it. Perhaps that's what I'm experiencing now. The transcendence of love over space and time.
I know my soul won't be whole again until the two parts of it are reunited with you.
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