Dear Phillip;
5 years of tick-tocks have gone by since I said goodbye to you.
That's 78,926,400 ticks, and 78,926,400 tocks. A thought takes only a tick. A feeling can well up in just the space of a tock. That's a lot of thinking of you and missing you.
The old grandfather clock had stopped working, so yesterday I decided to try to fix it. It took some time, but it's working again, keeping perfect time and chiming and gonging on schedule. I thought of you a lot while I was working on it. Trying to get a clock to work is quite an appropriate metaphor for me. Each day I have to decide if I want to keep moving forward, or stay behind, looking for you. Leaving the clock stopped wouldn't stop time, though. And if I run it backwards I can never get you back.
I asked you if you would please visit my dreams last night. For some reason I still can't dream of you. Just a few days after you died I woke up in the morning with a physical smile on my face, and I realized that - although I had no memory of it - you must have visited me in my sleep. There is no way I would have awoken with a smile on my face when I spent each day in tears.
This morning I didn't wake up with a physical smile on my face, but I did awaken in a surprisingly happy, peaceful mood, so I think you swept past me in the night and gave me a hug and a kiss. Thank you for that.
I found this note I made to myself on January 20, 2015. It says:
"For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going, and yet I am not afraid."
I still haven't figured out what I am "supposed" to be doing with this third third of my life, but I have got the clock working, and I'll see where Time takes me.
Wherever it takes me, I will continue loving you, and missing you, every second of every day.
Mom
Thank you so much for sharing this Valerie. I had just learned of Tyler's diagnosis when you lost Phillip. I thought when I meet you at the NAF conference that year how strong you were and that I didn't know if I could ever be that strong. Now, here I am. I find comfort in the shared memories and the warm circle of my FAmily that has walked down this road ahead me. It helps to know that I will be ok, although forever changed. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this Valerie. I had just learned of Tyler's diagnosis when you lost Phillip. I thought when I meet you at the NAF conference that year how strong you were and that I didn't know if I could ever be that strong. Now, here I am. I find comfort in the shared memories and the warm circle of my FAmily that has walked down this road ahead me. It helps to know that I will be ok, although forever changed. Love you!
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